I saw the outside for twenty minutes today, just long enough to grab a hose for my nebulizer from a good friend and then immediately back to my studio.
I spent the rest of the day in between discomfort and worrying I was going to die from an asthma attack. Sounds crazy, but I didn't call anyone or send my usual million texts because they often make me more anxious. Even if you don't know someone with asthma (you do!) most people know enough to know you need to breathe to live. The barrage of questions just makes me worried that I might not make it.
Now I have an asthma attack most days, mild shortness of breath and I just whip out my albuterol inhaler and go about my life. But somedays that's just not enough and I scramble to slow the world down. Slow it down long enough for my heart to stop racing and my breathing to at least pretend it will go back to normal. Today I lost and had to go to the hospital, one of the few places I truly hate..I'll come see people in here, but I have high anxiety about coming here for me.
So I fight it as long as possible. I do breathing exercises, I take my pump, I use my nebulizer. Then I usually start to cry because let's face it there is no vulnerable like not being able to breathe. I have faced depression, heartbreak, car accidents, death and yet nothing scares me more than asthma.
This is as close to being suffocated and being free as I'm ever going to get. I say that because for however long my attack lasts I feel like if I make it through I'll be a different person on the other side. I make like a million promises to God that I'll do better, be better, see more and just all around make shit happen. Then they pump me full of steroids and I go back home- same me, just breathing.
I find it amazing that my body doesn't store my panic and promises. Tomorrow when I wake up, barring another episode, I'll rest and try to relax, but I won't worry about death. So tonight in an effort to calm down I'll think about love and all the things that make me smile and laugh because that's what life's about, no?
Remember that when the going gets tough. As long as you don't die you still have a chance to make shit happen. Still have a chance to keep those promises to yourself! Be well, be healthy and be good to yourself!
I spent the rest of the day in between discomfort and worrying I was going to die from an asthma attack. Sounds crazy, but I didn't call anyone or send my usual million texts because they often make me more anxious. Even if you don't know someone with asthma (you do!) most people know enough to know you need to breathe to live. The barrage of questions just makes me worried that I might not make it.
Now I have an asthma attack most days, mild shortness of breath and I just whip out my albuterol inhaler and go about my life. But somedays that's just not enough and I scramble to slow the world down. Slow it down long enough for my heart to stop racing and my breathing to at least pretend it will go back to normal. Today I lost and had to go to the hospital, one of the few places I truly hate..I'll come see people in here, but I have high anxiety about coming here for me.
So I fight it as long as possible. I do breathing exercises, I take my pump, I use my nebulizer. Then I usually start to cry because let's face it there is no vulnerable like not being able to breathe. I have faced depression, heartbreak, car accidents, death and yet nothing scares me more than asthma.
This is as close to being suffocated and being free as I'm ever going to get. I say that because for however long my attack lasts I feel like if I make it through I'll be a different person on the other side. I make like a million promises to God that I'll do better, be better, see more and just all around make shit happen. Then they pump me full of steroids and I go back home- same me, just breathing.
I find it amazing that my body doesn't store my panic and promises. Tomorrow when I wake up, barring another episode, I'll rest and try to relax, but I won't worry about death. So tonight in an effort to calm down I'll think about love and all the things that make me smile and laugh because that's what life's about, no?
Remember that when the going gets tough. As long as you don't die you still have a chance to make shit happen. Still have a chance to keep those promises to yourself! Be well, be healthy and be good to yourself!